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Episode 42/Transcript
(On the field, Saison is following a very dismissive Brittnay) Saison: (giggles) ...And by the time I had returned, it occurred to me that my phone had been in my, how do you say, pocket the entire time! Can you imagine, Brittnay? Brittnay: Alright, look. Just because you're on the cheer squad now does not mean that we are friends. Saison: Does it mean that we are... best friends? Brittnay: Saison, don't talk to me. From now until the end of time, I don't want to hear any more of your stupid fucking words coming out of that tiny little mouth, on that tiny little head, underneath THAT RIDICULOUSLY LARGE HAT! Saison: Oh Brittnay, you are going to make such a wonderful godmother to my child! Brittnay: WHAT?! Saison: I said, YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE A WONDERFUL GODMOTHER TO MY CHILD! Brittnay: Is it crack? Is that what you smoke? You smoke crack? Shay: Hiye—! Mackenzie: (cuts Shay off) NO. No, no no no, no no no. We don't do that here. Shay: I'm sorry Mack, I think I'll be deciding what we are and aren't doing from now on, kay? Thanks. Mackenzie: Dear God, what have I done? Shay: Hello Saison, Brittnay. Mackenzie: Where's Trisha? Trisha and Trisha 2: I'm right here! Mackenzie: Uh, Trisha, why is she here? Trisha 2: Oh, isn't she on the squad? Trisha: Yeah, uh, I thought I should come to practice. Trisha 2: Huh, I guess not. Trisha: Alright then, well, I'll see you guys later. Trisha 2: Bye Trisha. Mackenzie: Wait Trisha, no. Why is the other Trisha here? Trisha: Oh, well, I thought I was supposed to bring a new squad member. Brittnay: Yeah, Trisha, we were all supposed to get our sworn enemies. Mackenzie: Brittnay got Saison, I got Shay Van Buren, and you were supposed to get Ashley Katchadorian! Trisha: Ooooohhhh! That would make a lot more sense because—because Trisha's not the—wow, yeah did not pick up on that at all. Brittnay: She doesn't even go to our school! Trisha 2: Oh, don't worry, now I do! Trisha: Yeah she transferred! Trisha 2: It was a lot of paperwork! Trisha: I had to become a notary! Brittnay: Okay this is bullshit! I shouldn't have to be stuck with Pepe LeDumb if Trisha gets to hang out with her fucking friend. Mackenzie: Aw, Brittnay, you don't have any friends. Brittnay: Goddamit! Shay: Okay, anyways, so Mackenzie, I believe you have an announcement to make. Mackenzie: Shay, can we just not? Shay: Oh come on, all that rehearsal, we wouldn't that to go to waste, would we? Mackenzie: Okay guys, so basically—''(Shay clears throat)'' Okay. Your attention please, assembled members of the cheer squad, Shay is making me—''(Shay clears throat)'' Brittnay: Okay would you just clear your throat already? Mackenzie: I got it, I got the hint, I got the hint! I have decided, completely of my own accord, that for the good of the cheer squad, Shay Van Buren is temporarily—''(Shay clears throat)'' Brittnay: Dear god. Mackenzie: Okay, okay, one more time and I will karate chop you in your fucking throat Shay! Shay: What? Mackenzie: From this day forward, and forevermore, Shay Van Buren is the new captain of the Overland Park Cheer Squad. (Brittnay vomits) Saison: Oh, hooray! Brittnay: Mackenzie, what the fuck— Mackenzie: Brittnay, I had to do it. It's for the good of the cheer squad, it's over, okay, let's move on, fucking deal with it, okay?! (unintelligible angrish follows) Brittnay: Oh I'm sorry, are you trying to tell me what to do? Because from what I've just been told, you're not the head cheerleader anymore! And apparently, we're no longer in Overland Park, we're smack dab in the middle of Crazytown! Trisha: Ah Crazy Town, good band. Trisha 2: Ooh! Come my lady, come come my lady, you're my butterfly— Trisha: Sugar! Trisha 2: Baby! Shay: Okay, okay, that's enough! For my first order of business as head cheerleader, you guys are fucking garbage. Mackenzie: That's constructive. Shay: Let's face it, you girls have lost your edge. The reason that hipsters are taking over this school is because you all have no idea what being the most popular girl in school is all about. Brittnay: Well, I think it's important to note that we invited you here and secondly you can feel free to leave and go fuck yourself! Shay: Alright, well, we'll take a note of that. Trisha? Trisha: Noted! Shay: Bearing that in mind, I've decided that my only recourse is to bring in a specialist. Ladies, it is with great honor that I present to you, the man who was ranked number one in Cheer Magazine's 2013 Cheer Coaches to Watch in 2013, the one, the only, Dr. Greg Converse! Ladies, round of applause. You can clap. Greg: Hello, ladies! Yes that's right, It's me, in the flesh, Dr. Greg Converse, and there is not a cheer squad on this planet that I cannot turn around. Is that bitch pregnant? Saison: Ah oui! I have a baguette in the, how you say, oven, hehe! Greg: Does she speak English? Brittnay: Yes, very annoyingly. Greg: Alright, just so you ladies know that I am not fucking around, let me clue you in to some of my credentials... I was the artistic director of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders from the years 2002—2007, following that, I spent four years in Los Angeles teaching the Laker Girls not only how to bring a crowd to their feet but also how to stop banging Kobe Bryant, oh and did I mention I was the creative consultant for a little movie called Bring It On! Trisha: Oh, did you also work on Bring It On 2? Greg: The fuck did you say to me? No, I did not work on Bring It On 2! When Dunst left, I left! Trisha 2: Um, are we gonna be tested on any of this? Brittnay: Listen, I don't know what Shay Van Buren told you, but we really don't need a cheer instructor. Mackenzie: Yeah, and I'm not sure if you heard, but we actually won the NHSCA National Championship. Brittnay: The problem that we're experiencing is that our school has suddenly been overrun by an uprising of hipsters who are making everything that is supposed to be cool suddenly and decidedly uncool. Mackenzie: And that includes us. Greg: Oh wow, you know what I just heard. Whine, whine, whine! Brittnay: I'm not whining, I just— Greg: Oh, I'm sorry, do you not want to be here? Would you rather be at home with a nice glass of red wine, sitting next to your pet Weimaraner while you guys wind down your day by catching up on old episodes of Mad Men, created by Matthew Weiner? Is that what you'd like? Brittnay: N-no... no. Greg: That's right. You gonna come in this doghouse, you're gonna get bit. Got it? Brittnay: ...Got it. Greg: You ladies have got a lot to learn! Lesson number one: be a bitch, don't act like a bitch. Trisha 2: Ooh, he's like our Yoda. Or is it yogurt? Greg: It doesn't matter that you girls are good at "cheerleading". I'll tell you right now, being a good cheerleader has nothing to do with pom-poms and figuring out words that rhyme with the name of your school! Being a cheerleader is about being the girl every girl wants to be and being the girl every guy wants to be with. Trisha: Ooh, like Hillary Rodham Clinton! Greg: Alright, the first thing I need to do is assess the amount of work that has to be done with the six of you. Whiny the Pooh, pop quiz. Some girl steals your boyfriend. What do you do? Brittnay: Well— Saison: She becomes my best friend and is going to be the godmother to our child! Greg: Holy Christ on the Cross, you guys are really gonna make me work for this twenty-two thousand dollars, aren't you? Mackenzie: Twenty-two thousand dollars? Jesus Christ, what the fuck Shay? Shay: What? My family's really fucking rich. Greg: Right, and even though I think this is pretty much a lost cause, Two Tails has already paid me, so we're gonna move on. The Five Pillars of Cheerleading... Being hot, bitching someone out, the art of the tease, gossip, and finally, maintain the social pyramid. We'll start with being hot. Know this: if no one wants to fuck you, then you are fucked. Preggers, how hot can you look? Just terrible. Sweetheart, we're gonna have to figure out a way to help guys get boners in spite of that baby bump. Next, bitching someone out. Brittnay: Me! Me me me! I can do it! Pick me! Greg: Alright Dinosaur Neck! I want you to bitch me out. Trisha: Alright. Listen here, pal. You are needing a haircut, when you poop. I would not buy you at a candy store, that's how offensive you look. To me. Because you're going to the bathroom, right now. You're pooping. You are filled with poop. All of you is poop. And farts. You're poop and farts. Greg: Is this a special ed squad and no one told me? Trisha 2: Hey, nice work. He's probably just embarrassed because of all the poop he has. You know? Greg: Moving on, number three, The Art of the Tease. Since you're so eager to volunteer, answer me this: what do you do when you know a boy likes you? Brittnay: Give him a handie. Greg: No. Brittnay: A blowie? Greg: No! Brittnay: A wristie? Greg: What? No! Brittnay: Aaaaahhhh! Well I guess that just leaves, fuck me in my butthole. Greg: Good god, no! You lead him on. You let him think that you want him too. I mean what would happen if you slept with every guy in the school? Brittnay: I can tell you exactly what would happen. I mean, what specifically do you want to know? Greg: Jesus Christ. Okay moving on, pillar number four: gossip. I want you to tell Two Tails a damaging secret about somebody. (Trisha 2 whispers to Shay) Shay: What? (Trisha 2 whispers to Shay) Shay: What? Trisha 2: I said, I've never kissed a boy! Greg: No, no, no, holy fuck, no! First of all, you don't yell it because now everyone knows. Second, that was a secret about you. Trisha 2: Oh! Yeah, I have no idea what we're doing. Shay: What? Greg: NUMBER FIVE! Maintain the social pyramid. As the pinnacle of the social pyramid, it is your responsibility to make sure that everyone in the school knows their place and stays in it. Popular girls at the popular tables, nerds in the science lab, and fucking weirdo art kids hanging out behind the school smoking clove cigarettes. Now, you—how have you been doing maintaining the social pyramid here? Mackenzie: Uh, well, pretty good, I think. It's all been going pretty well. Greg: Oh really? Then who may I ask is this? Mackenzie: Ugh, Rachel Tice. Greg: And why, might I ask is she so happy in this picture? Mackenzie: Because she just won prom queen. Greg: Oh tell me, is Rachel Tice a really cool popular girl? Mackenzie: No. Greg: Oh well then what is she? Mackenzie: A fucking loser. Greg: A fucking loser! You let a fucking loser win prom queen! And you let your whole fucking school get overrun by a bunch of near-sighted, beanie-wearing weirdos who listen to bands that they don't even play on the radio! So I guess it's not going so well is it? Don't you ever lie to me again. Trust, ladies. We're gonna need it! Because trust me, you are all very very fucked.